Saturday, October 5, 2013

Day 5: Following and Followed

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that I am having a lousy day.  It didn't start well, and I have been a grumpy brat for several hours now.  
I'm trying to get over it, 
and I don't want to be disingenuous, even in print. 
Though you'd never know that I was a rotten witness for a Jesus follower this morning
 (and more or less every hour since noon, too), 
I would know it, and that would bother me.
Life is hard, so some days following is hard.  
Today it was hard because I let fear rule my thinking, 
and when I am afraid, I get angry.  
Then the anger turned into pure frustration
 and why-can't-people-just-cooperate-with-me, 
and that just morphed into plain old selfishness.  
Some days I don't follow well because I'd rather lead.
That never goes well, just for the record.

Following is a concept we're familiar with in the blogging world, such as it is.
Back in the early days of this little blog,
 I'll admit watching that "follower" number rise was great fun to me,
 and perhaps a bit more important than it should have been.  
Then it stopped going up,
 and the 4 or 5 comments become 1-2 comments, maybe, 
and I've gotten less and less sure of the purpose and direction of this blog.
Writing without an identified audience is weird.
As a writing teacher, I find this to be the worst part of instruction.  
Our required writing prompts have no authentic audience, 
and the kids respond by writing rambling, meaningless papers with no other purpose than a passing (or not) grade.  
Sometimes this blog feels like it has no audience, 
and my posts seem rambling and meaningless to me.
I've been praying about blogging,
 and I know that this 31 day experiment is a trust exercise, 
a place where I'm waiting on the Lord to give me words,
 and in turn, I write to Him, 
my Audience of One.  
That way, if anyone follows me,
 they're headed in the right direction, towards Jesus.  
I want to follow well and lead well, 
regardless of whether there's anyone behind me or not.
Be blessed,

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're having a hard day today. Oh, how I know the feeling of letting my emotions lead me instead of them following the leading of the spirit.