20 Days

I'm eleven days short of my goal.

 It's okay, though, because this month was full.

In October, I have:

-watched the world turn from green to
brown and yellow and red and orange;

-finished a multi-year commitment nothing to show for it but tears;

-felt my heart be heavy, light, and heavy again;

-excercised too little and ate too much
 (Though, as much as I need my 5 a.m. routine back, an afternoon walk in open air saved my sanity more than once.);

-lost, won, and lost again at Mom of the Year

-finally started reading One Thousand Gifts, proving again that late by some standards can be exactly on time by others;

-focused and followed,

 which was, after all, the point.

Following,

Ginger

Day 27:Your Nearness

DD#2 and I stayed home from church today, 

both of us battling fall sinus headaches that simply won't quit.

Secretly I was glad--because I am battling a heartache that simply won't quit, either.

I need courage--

the courage to be excited about the future.

My best friend and my husband were talking of these things last night, 

and I heard in their voices a growing excitement about what God was doing,

 their turmoil tempered by a secret joy,

 an anticipation of the goodness of God.

With my head on the pillow last night, I thought--

I am not excited for the new. 

 I am grieving the old.

So this morning, DD#2 and I  talked,

 and I probably gave a teen too much information.

In the end, it was a good conversation.

She told me I was brave.

I will do a lot of hard things for my child to see me be brave.

So I will have courage.

The courage to be, one day, excited about the future

 because the future is Jesus.

At the end of things, He's what I want--

and I want the courage to really mean it.

Right now, I want to know He's near--

that His nearness is my good.

Not clever solutions or easy decisions.

His nearness.

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God myrefuge,

That I may tell of all Your works.

Seeing

Sometimes focus

is a matter of seeing what's in front of you.

Following,

Ginger

Day 24: Blogging Imitates Life

I'm multi-tasking again.

That's always dangerous for me.  (Note to self: wipe chicken salad off computer screen before anyone else sees it.)

I remember when I discovered that about myself--the moment it dawned on me that I can't do many things well simultaneously.

It was freeing, really.

I learned am learning when to keep and when to jettison activity, at least to the point I can control it.

All this is not to say that I am dropping out of 31 Days, even if it will be 20 Somethingish Days instead.

I say to let myself breathe and be happy that I've blogged more this month than I have in a long time.

Most days I've actually had something to say!

Today I say only that things are busy, in good ways, and things are busy, in not-so-good ways, 

and I haven't much choice on what to throw away.

Some days I've followed well through the mess.

Other days, not so much.

Lately I'm clinging to the small but significant blessing that I've been able to call a halt to the chaos in time to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

And all the middle-aged women said, "Amen."

The Lord has sent sleep and song to sustain me.

He sends love songs to me, and I sing them back to Him.

Following,

Ginger 

Day 21: An Open Letter to My Student

Dear Student,

  Just so you know,  I really do believe what I do is important.  It does matter, in the long run, that you can string five words together into a logical, grammatically-correct thought;

 it's a skill that's infinitely satisfying and useful. 

 I think the books we read together are worth your time.

 I want you to hear the elegant language, laugh in all the right places, think deep thoughts about theme.

  Don't tell anyone,

 but it's my sneaky way to interject 

 some things about life and people and sorrow and hope

 that maybe, just maybe, you'll remember one day.

   But here's what I know

 every day.

  I know that you need a lot more than a book and an expository essay to make it through life.

I know that lots of things about your life stink, that you have no good reason to trust adults,

 that you desparately want boundaries, even if you pretend you don't.

I know that all the character ed, "positive interventions", and success awards in the world won't heal your heart,

give you purpose,

save your life.

Every day I know that I can give you commas and sentence structures and vocabulary words,

 but I can't give you the One you need.

You don't need another anti-bullying campaign or cyber-manners course.

You need Jesus,

just like I need Jesus.

What I can do is pray for you.

When I grade your paper or monitor the hallway,

 or even when I wish the bell would ring (and you do, too),

 I can lift you up before my Father, 

and ask that His mercy, grace, and love

 become your greatest life lessons.

(signed)

Your Teacher

Days 19-20: I Would Be the One You Find

Did I tell you?

I covered the basement door with chalkboard paint. I've loved all the chalkboard accent walls floating around the web, but lacking a suitable wall in my house, I opted for the door.

It sat, black and blank, for a few months.

Then a song captured my heart, and I wanted to keep the lyrics in front of my face so they stayed in my thinking.

Shane and Shane have a new album called, "Bring Your Nothing".  It's got some heavy theology and some neat music.  My very favorite song from it is "The One You Find", which is one song from the album that you won't find on youtube.

It's based on 2 Chronicles 16:9:

Your eyes are searching the earth

The Groom’s eyes are searching for her

You’re looking for hearts’ eyes 

To see what You’re worth

The treasure of the universe

Find me in this holy thirst

And I will love You

And I will love You

And I will love You

That I would be the one You’d find

Your eyes are burning with fire

The Groom’s eyes they burn with desire

For a lover who’s waiting for the Love of her life 

That I would I would be the one You’d find 

O God Who’s merciful and kind 

Find me here

Find me now

Find me when I can’t find myself

Day 18: Small Good Things

Today was a day of big driving and big, looming decisions.  Because DD#1 and I just.don't.want.to.think.about. college anymore (she had an interview/application today--eek!), I'm just going to think about the small good things that God sprinkled through our day.
Fog clearing into a gorgeous day.
Leaves. On mountains. That's all I have to say.
12 Bones BBQ.  Although truth be told, we voted to just have doubles of the corn pudding or jalepeno grits next and skip the meat.
Lunch and a long conversation with my mom.
A five-minute micro-nap on her bed that she insisted I take--because she's still my mother.
A shoe-shopping score.
A cloud show where God just showed off big time.  I kept asking DD#1 to take pictures on her phone. Mocha-orange frappacino and an Oreo-peanut butter-dark chocolate thingy. Epic.
Hot showers.
PJs.
It was a good day.
Following,
Ginger